December 26, 2009

missing boots...big reward, what not to put on your new year's list, and a pitiful pit!

So I might have had just a little pride in thinking I was the kind of girl that always pulls herself up by my boot straps. You know..keep on going, rejoice in the Lord, put on the happy face, deal, stuff it down, do what's right, say what's Godly, live holy, and move forward. oh, and be perfect too.

This year for me has been a personal journey of the painful awareness that all of that has been a sham. a joke. living in my own strength, yeah right! and it's landed me tottering over an edge right into a pit, mostly a pit of fear. A pit that I've known was there, because I've felt the cold mud in my toes more than a time or two, but in my own strength have tried to cling to the top, elbows on the edge, trying to breathe deeply of the fresh air my lungs so longed for.

And, I don't mind sharing what will not be on my new years list, because it's what I prayed for in Dec. of 2009...and trust me when I say, lesson learned! I asked the Lord to go deep, give me more, transform me to look more like Him. and I think I envisioned some sort of a glowing light and peaceful moments, maybe even angels singing in the background, joyfully growing in Him, while leading numerous women's Bible studies. not hardly!! In fact, I have said to the Lord these very words, "DEEP ENOUGH!!" and yesterday I declared that my new resolution this year is that I just want to be fake and pretty! ha

In truth, I know that God knows my heart's desire for more of Him and less of me, and more importantly His own perfect desire for my life, whether or not I put it on my new year's list.
And, I pray that I am learning to trust Him more in this season, in this process. That indeed He is making me look more like His Son. That I will come forth as gold, not by any doing of my own, but because HE promises it. That He will use all things together and work them for my good. That good might look different than I thought. That the path may be hard to walk, but He promises to broaden the path beneath me so that my ankles do not turn! That it's not about me or anything I can muster up, it's all about Him.

And really, that He has hidden my boots on purpose!... it's part of Him going deeper, revealing all the things that I claim and cling to and proclaim from a place of true desire but not daily reality. He is allowing this season which has been filled with many more questions than answers, insecurity, uncertainty, unsettledness, and fear...because of His great love for me.
Because if He allowed me to keep thinking that I can pull these straps up, figure it out in my own understanding, walk in my own strength, always striving to do more, please more, be more, smile more,...I lose. Eventually the straps will snap...or I would..or maybe I already did. And, the glory of the Lord is missed in our lives when we don't acknowledge the empty places and weaknesses that desperately need His filling and strength.

Yes, it is in my places of weakness that I find His glorious strength. That has always sounded good, but I don't know about that fully yet, but I think it's on His list for my new year. Grace made perfect in weakness?... don't really know about that yet either, but I know its on His list for my life in Christ. Joy in His presence not based on any circumstance...don't know enough about that, but want to and He wants me to as well. True freedom in Christ, in every area...on His list too. Some of these things may be on His list for me for the rest of the days I'm here on this earth, because it will be from glory to glory that we will be transformed.

Many months ago as I was falling asleep, I talked to the Lord about my pit, often one filled with fear....and at that time I hadn't even fallen in yet. I told Him that I feel like I live on the side of the wall, aware of the muddy bottom, but most moments able to keep my head and shoulders above the edge, trying to enjoy the daily view, but with arms feeling tired and starting to shake. And wouldn't you know it, the next morning when I opened my Word, I turned exactly to Psalm 40... "I cried out to the Lord, and He heard my cry. And, He turned and answered me, HE LIFTED ME out of the slimy pit. wow.

I wasn't meant to climb out of the pit, boots strapped on, strong arms clawing myself out...wasn't meant to, and clearly not able to either. And, neither am I meant to live clinging to the side of the wall either, fearing the fall....but longing for the fresh air of the surface. So, in His time, I know He will lift me out. He will lift me out!... His doing, His strength, His ways.

So, let me be clear....I still have many days where I'm desperately looking under beds and behind the couch for my stinking boots! Cuz it's what I know to do. Show me the problem, I'll work to fix it. Show me the straps, so I can pull them up and just deal, be on my way, change this because I hate this place!... but truth be told, those old boots weren't made for walking (oh, you know you are thinking that is so good!)

Yes, my feet feel cold, barefooted for sure as I'm still clearly in "a" season, but I am hopeful. That He is shaping a pair for me that will fit just right. That my boots and me will be beautiful in His time, that they will be the perfect fit. That they will allow me to walk on the heights, and maybe even walk alongside someone else in the depths and hold their hand and offer His hope. To walk according to His Word, and walk humbly with my Lord. He is shaping them for me even now...and He is lovingly shaping me.

And, that is amazing grace, unfailing love at it's best..that He doesn't allow any of us to remain the same, but lovingly removes all the things we cling to, that He purposefully "goes deeper" and reveals all that really keep us from running in His fields of grace, breathing deeply of the Spirit's sweet abundance! ahhhhh.

boots and a pit and new year's resolutions...well clearly you see how they could all be in the same post right? :)